Things that irritate me at work volume I

I fear this may be the first in a fearsomely large number of volumes, as such 'things' occur so frequently, I have undoubtedly forgotten as many as I can remember already. I use the word 'things' as it can (and will) refer to everything from people and their habits to minor annoyances for which I am not entirely blameless. A reasonably futile task, but one which I hope will at least help get some things off my chest and, moreso, give me reason to waste time at work and ignore some of the more tedious things going on (as I write this, some arse is talking about how good the new Stereophonics single is on the radio).

Abba.

I'd never been overly fond of Abba. A few songs aside, I was largely unfamiliar with them until my mum aligned herself with every other British woman of her age and bought a copy of Abba Gold. It was on a family holiday to Austria, I believe, which resulted in the rest of my summer being ruined by 'S.O.S.'. Either way, it made moving from the bosom of my loving family a little eaiser when I started university, knowing the next time I heard 'Dancing Queen' I would no longer have to sit through eighteen more songs until the end of 'Waterloo' and my peace of mind.

It would be a blatant insult to the intelligence of anybody reading to spell out exactly where this is going, only to say Abba Gold is now coupled by the sodding Mamma Mia! soundtrack. The only thing worse than a collection of Abba songs is surely a collection of Abba songs covered by actors; not even the production can save this selection of insipid tripe in the way it did on some of the originals.

It's hard to put my finger on exactly what is wrong with Abba, although my use of the word insipid in the previous sentence comes close. The songs just hang in the air without inspiring or moving. Occasionally a nice melody comes through, but it is always backed by an excruciatingly predictable chord sequence.

"But," I hear the female population of England between the ages of forty and sixy-three cry, "they are a timeless, classic pop group!" This much I am willing to concede, and it's why I make no complaints if I hear an Abba song on the radio or television. It's to be expected. Twenty-plus track albums in their entirety every week? No thank you.

"But," I hear the rest of you cry, "you should expect it when you work in an office otherwise staffed by middle-aged women!" To this I reply: if they are so keen on nostalgia, why the bollocking hell did people complain when I played Pet Sounds or Bob Dylan?!

And for all this, I blame one woman...

The Office Haystack

Thank you to the chaps over at CaB for pointing me in the direction of this phrase. For those of you who aren't aware of the name, I'll describe our Haystack, which should work as an outline of persons to avoid in the office for future reference.

Middle aged lady. Permanent scowl on her face. Scowl backed up by a barrage of complaints about minor things. Blatant Daily Mail reader. Likes to walk into the office after lunch, ignore the fact you are listening to BBC Radio 6 online and turn her Abba CD on at twice the volume the radio is normally 'enjoyed' at. Offers everyone in the office a drink except the temp workers, despite them being treated as equals by all other staff. Likes to have an opinion on absolutely everything, and likes to think everybody else in the rooms is interested. Informs you there is no school called 'Springbank', and upon your discovery that there in fact is a school called 'Springbank' after a considerable discussion, informs you that you are complicating things, using 'Gordon Bennett' as a full stop. Believes she's saving money on Amazon because of the crossed out RRP prices. Reacts with shock and disgust when hearing about people who don't watch The X Factor. Is generally a fowl old bitch. On a related note...

No one attractive

Come on, NHS, would it be so painful to employ at least one attractive person in this office?

Awfully designed software

Patient records in this area are held on the most tedious piece of software I've ever had the sincere misfortune to use. If it worked like an entirely different platform, I'd be much more comfortable with it, but it's the horrendous misuse of Windows that gets to me. In particular, the bizarre function of the TAB key. When entering details of a new patient, TAB works correctly, skipping from text box to text box on each press. If, for instance, I wish to change an existing patient's address, however, the TAB key seems to do absolutely nothing (it, in fact, simply moves to the top of the page where nothing is selected). Even more frustrating is the software's complete refusal to acknowledge the shift-TAB function, which skips back a box.

Why? Why would anyone data software which runs by standard Windows rules, other than the function designed to speed up data entry? Jesus.

More to come when I'm less busy...

Adventures of the Olympic Torch

It's all over the news: The Olympic Torch is being protested against in London today. I quite like the fact that this is the biggest story of the day, in the UK at least. It's one of those stories that's light hearted enough to make the day seem a little less depressing, yet one with a serious enough backing to make you glad people still give a shit about good causes.
The brief history about it all comes down to China's 'ownership' of Tibet from the 50s, and their human rights record. Like a lot of us who haven't done the largest amount of research, I don't know much about China other than they're happy that I don't know much. I'm certainly aware of the unrest in China and Tibet regarding the matters, and the west's response to this. And my general opinion on it all is that of agreement with today's protesters.
Back to April 6th 2008, and The Olympic Torch (or Oli as it will henceforth be known in this article) being paraded around London. Oli travels miles around the world to his destination at the start of the Olympic Games. This year they're being held in Beijing, hence the presence of protesters. A number of sadly deluded 'pro-China' types were providing everyone with tales of western propaganda misleading the world about the country, but these were largely ignored: partially for their sadly deluded rubbish, but largely because all of the exciting stuff happened when the anti-China protesters began making the largest impact on the day.
The sad, yet amusing matter is just how irrelevant it all seems. Oli was on his trip, which the BBC nicely personified to a ridiculous extreme. He is "leaving" for Paris tomorrow, but in the meantime has had a nice time, stopping on the south bank for a "lunch break", and making an "unscheduled move onto a bus". I hope he had an enjoyable visit to our fine capital. It's just a shame he didn't get chance to have a mooch along Oxford Street for some shopping or take a ride on the London Eye. Now I have immense respect for the BBC, but their coverage of the story has provided one of the most entertaining news events of recent times. Not only has Oli been reported as having lunch, but the usually professional news corporation apparently managed to coincide its work experience week with the event, with a bunch of amateurs providing us with up-to-date reports of the day's happenings. Among these informative reports, we've been enlightened about Konnie Huq's lack of underwear. As morally opposed to the regime as the former Blue Peter presenter reportedly is, she still had time to carry Oli, only interrupted by a protester who managed to get his two hands on the torch before being thrown to the floor by the police. Being interviewed afterwards, she managed to provide some excellent soundbites, stating it is "unfortunate" that such a country is hosting the event, and that she "didn't wear anything under [her] tracksuit". Thanks, Konnie. It's also been nice to find out that the protesters were "dressed as ordinary people" - a cunning disguise, and Gordon Brown greeted Oli upon his arrival. I'm picturing the conversation between Mr. Brown and Mr. Torch right now.
My favourite quote comes from the BBC again, who were nice enough to advise us not to confuse the Chinese Ambassador with Denise Van Outen. I don't feel suited to expanding upon that, personally.
Trivialities aside, the official reaction to the protests has been equal parts hilarious and depressing. The official spokesman for the torch relay, Qu Yingpu, stated that it was "not the right time, the right platform, for any people to voice their political views." I cannot, personally, envisage a time better for a protest. One can only truly get an opinion across when people are there to listen. Were this to happen on a neutral day, focus would easily slip elsewhere. And surely cheering Oli on his journey to China is, in its own way, voicing a political view. A visual parade saying "we are happy with a regime such as China hosting an internationally focussed event" is as political as a visual parade saying "we are unhappy with a regime such as China hosting an internationally focussed event". Not to head uncomfortably into a Bush-esque 'with us or against us' argument, but the Olympic Games are a political event. To suggest they aren't is either bafflingly ignorant, or poorly veiled spin; neither of which are things Chinese officials could do with being associated with given the current heat.

There are a number of videos on the BBC News site which are worth watching, simply to revel in the decency of the relatively peaceful protesters and their attempts to sabotage the events. It's just a shame nobody was able to extinguish the flame. Now that would have made my day.
I feel the most sorry for Oli, however. He only gets out once every four years, and I fear today's events may have scarred him, possibly permanently. Will he be willing to venture back to London for our Olympics in 2012, or will he be forced into early retirement and replaced by a lookalike? Only time will tell.

Job Centre Plus

Was the job centre as useless as it currently is when it was merely 'The Job Centre'? The only time I entered an old Job Centre was to find out my National Insurance number (to this day I have no idea where my tackily designed blue and red card is), so I'm in no position to complain about how things 'have gone downhill' or 'aren't what they used to be' (I'll save that for British comedy, 'indie' music and Sony home stereos), but I find it hard to believe things have always been in this state.
The first time I used the Leeds Eastgate branch of Job Centre Plus I was signing on; it was my first day of unemployment. I was greeted in a formal if reasonably unfriendly manner and informed I would need to phone the helpline, but only from a landline.
"You can't use the phones here." No explanation as to why not, of course. Upon looking at the paper handed to me I noted that it was fine to phone from a mobile, as long as I was willing to pay for the call. What a waste of time asking around for a landline was.

Finally it was time for an interview with my Job Seeking Adviser. Now, before I go any further, I'd like to point out that she was a nice lady - positively charming, in fact. She was obviously trying her hardest. But, on the whole, the meeting was of no use to me whatsoever. Very little attempt was made at actually helping me find a job, especially when it came to discussing possible career moves. I find it incredibly hard to understand how someone whose job is to advise people about employment has never heard of the position 'typist'. I had to spend a few minutes highlighting the differences between 'data inputter' and 'typist', and explaining what a 'copy typist' and 'audio typist' are. I'm still not entirely sure she understood.
I may have to swallow the little pride I have left in my life and go back to Leeds Met Uni and ask for careers help there. If their advice is anything like their teaching it'll be another waste of time, but what's the worse that can happen?